Since 1994, we have worked with hundreds of couples going through the divorce
process. We believe that we can help you and your spouse dissolve your
marriage with dignity and with as little harmful effects as possible on you and any
children of the marriage.
10 REASONS TO TRY DIVORCE MEDIATION
by William J. Leininger, Esq.
You've decided to seek a divorce. Your nerves are frayed; the
in-laws are asked pointed questions; the children are beginning to act
up in all-too-transparent ways; and your pleasantness is in the midst
of an earthshaking landslide. What can you do? Clearly, you can hire
legal advice. But who? Here's a checklist of reasons why working with a
trained mediator can often help:
1. It costs less.
When both spouses meet with one Divorce Mediator they can share the cost,
which is commonly $2,000 to $6,000 total. If the spouses were to retain separate attorneys
to represent them in the divorce, each would be paying a retainer of about $5,000 just to
get started!
2. You have control.
In Divorce Mediation the couple controls how quickly
or slowly decisions are made, when the divorce Petition is filed, and what
the terms of the divorce will be in the Marital Settlement Agreement. Each
step is by agreement, in contrast to the adversarial process in which
attorneys set court dates and judges make decisions with very limited time
and information.
3. Paperwork done for you.
Many people try to do their own divorces these
days, but run into difficulty trying to understand the laws and the complex
paperwork involved. A mediator who is an attorney can prepare the Marital Settlement Agreement (Stipulation of Settlement) in draft form for you to review - line by line, and to ask questions about anything you don't understand.
4. Easier on the children.
The worst aspect of a divorce for children is
the conflict between the parents. It will be traumatic enough for them, but
they can heal knowing that their parents are working together to make adult
decisions and will not put them in the middle.
5. Easier on you.
The way your marriage ends will significantly impact
the way you approach your future relationships. When you use a mediator to
help both of you communicate and make important decisions, it can be easier
to move forward and accept the past, rather than turning hurt and anger into
an expensive court battle.
6. You can still go to court.
When people use divorce mediation, they do
not give up their right to go to court. If you are not satisfied in
mediation, you can stop at any time, retain a separate attorney and have the
judge decide the issues. What has occurred in mediation will remain
confidential, so the parties can start fresh.
7. You get legal information.
In divorce mediation with an attorney you
will be provided with enough legal information to make your own decisions
about what is fair. While an attorney acting in the role of mediator cannot
advise either party, the attorney can share his or her general knowledge of
how the court might address the issues in your case. Each spouse is also
encouraged to consult with a separate attorney for legal advice, especially
before signing the Marital Settlement Agreement.
8. Emotions can be managed.
Many people simply want to be heard and
understood in the divorce process. However, on their own this can get out
of control, as each person triggers anger and resentment in the other --
often unintentionally. A mediator trained in counseling can assist the
parties in acknowledging feelings but not allowing feelings to control the
decision-making process.
9. It's confidential.
In private divorce mediation, all discussions and
tentative agreements are confidential. This makes it safe to propose
solutions for possible consideration without having them all thought out.
This can lead to new solutions neither party had previously considered.
10. It builds on the positive.
In mediation, both parties are encouraged
to recognize the positive in the other person and to find common ground for
agreement. In court, each side must emphasize the negative about the other
person in order to "win" against the other. Especially when there will be
future contact between the parties, such as in parenting, whatever goodwill
remains between the parties should be preserved and not destroyed.
Picking a Divorce Mediator
Divorce Mediators are not yet licensed in New York. However, it is
recommended that a Divorce Mediator be knowledgeable about family law,
family counseling, child development and the mediation process. A few
mediators possess all of these skills, and a team of a mental health
professional and an attorney can also be quite effective.
In picking a Divorce Mediator, ask how many mediations that person has done
in the past 2-3 years. Many people are just adding mediation to another
practice area and may have done only one or two mediations so far. Mr. Leininger has been a certified Divorce Mediator since 1994, and has mediated well over 200 divorces to completion. He is the most experienced attorney divorce mediator on Staten Island!
While mediation isn't the only alternative to an ugly divorce experience, it
is one to seriously consider. Make a list of pros and cons for your specific
situation, and weigh the facts for yourself. The 10-15 minutes you spend on
your list could well be worth the effort!
William J. Leininger, Esq.
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